| I miss you and love you |
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| 12:31am 11/07/2009 |
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mood:  crushed music: no music ever again.
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Today july 10 at 3:15 in the afternoon my mother died it was her 85 birthday. I was at her side until the end. I feel as if a piece of my soul was ripped from my body, besides being my mother she was my best friend. She was the light in my world the one person I could trust and depend on to be there for me. I’m not sure what the future will bring but for now my world is a darker and lonelier place then it was yesterday.
Goodbye mom your loving son. |
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| A moment in time |
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| 11:34am 25/06/2009 |
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mood:  blank
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Mom had a rough day yesterday she was feeling weak and of course we had to get plumber out as the drains backed up. But we stayed up and watched ice road truckers which she loves, she then slept till around 3:45 am at which point I gave her a breathing treatment. We talked and watched the sun rise and then she feel back to sleep, I never realized just how strong she is to face this with the dignity that she does.
My mom is the best and that is why I love her. |
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| When things end |
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| 02:21pm 21/06/2009 |
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Well mom had a rough night think it was coming home and the fact people came, she is not feeling good right now and we are waiting on the traveling nurse. Things are of course rough my mom and I were together most of the time since dad died, she payed bills I kept the cars running and did the stuff on the house outside and in as I could .I drover her when she couldn't and got her walker in and out of the car for her.
This is rough on all of us but hardest I think for me, as this has been my life for a very long time. I talked to mom and told her I don't want her to suffer I don't want her to think she must struggle for us because she has always worried about us first and herself last. When she goes she should go with no regrets or worries no fear only surround by our love for her. So I struggle not to let her see how much I hurt because this sorrow is for myself and what I'm losing |
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| Who am I |
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| 10:23pm 19/06/2009 |
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mood: sad
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Well mom comes home tomorrow the hospice people came today and set the bed up and her other equipment. Tomorrow after she arrives home a nurse will come and evaluate mom's condition and determine how many times a week someone will come to the house. We are still looking for an in home care giver for the days the hospice people aren't here, there are of course things mom doesn't want me to have to do for her and I will admit there are things I don't want to have to do. I'm lost right now after being around someone for so long. All the nights I would wake up and open my door to be sure she was breathing, what will I do when I wake and no longer hear her? |
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| Feeling lost and alone. |
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| 09:04am 17/06/2009 |
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mood: lonely
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Mom has been in the hospital since the 12 of june, the doctors don't hold out any hope for her long term recovery. I'm going up this morning with my sister to talk to the hospice people about what needs to be done if and when mom comes home, its hard to think right now things seem so strange and to hear them say they will take a lean out aganst the house just pisses me off. Who are these people I know there used to be free or even low cost hospice what happened to them. Life is sucking right now. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| The strangeness of net friendships |
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| 03:48pm 28/05/2009 |
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mood:  curious music: none
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A few years back I had been talking to a person for a few years, I considered the person a friend. We had talked about stuff going on in their life for a while, they had told me how wonderful and nice I was for caring. Then one day nothing no replies no communication at all, I waited awhile then tried contacting them the email I received back was very strange. The email said they didn't no me or anything about me basically it was a blow off. To this day that still bothers me at the time it hurt some but that is gone now, and I still wonder wtf that was about. Oh well that's part of being on the net I guess, if we weren't defective in some manner we would have better things to do with our time. |
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| You could be wrong |
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| 10:05pm 27/05/2009 |
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mood:  anxious music: Garth Brooks-The Dance
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Things are heading toward an ending and I wont lie and tell you I'm not a bit afraid, but I think I've made my choice. It isn't a choice most would make but then I've never been most people, 6 months should tell the tail after that I'm not sure of anything. |
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| somewhere under the yellow brick road. |
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| 11:32pm 26/05/2009 |
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mood: sad music: Pink-Glitter
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Things aren't going great with my mom doctors today doctors tomorrow and take her to see surgeon on thursday. Been trying to deal with everything but it's getting harder, but I can and will do what needs to be done.
I await the day I can go into the Sierra's and never have to come out again. |
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| Why |
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| 09:52pm 21/05/2009 |
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mood:  sore
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Some days life isn't worth the cost, I'm tired and depressed. I need to go some where but have no where to go. In the end all you have is a handful of dust which is all that's left of your dreams. |
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| Stories From The Dungeon |
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| 02:19pm 03/05/2009 |
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mood: curious music: Dust in the Wind-Kansas
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The Race
Sitting in a corner a knife hangs loosely from his hand, his chest is covered with cuts and blood drips down his hands.
He doesn't utter a cry nor does he shed a tear, his heartbeat is slowing and he knows death is near.
He wonders how his life could have been if things had gone another way, if once he had heard his father say I love you it will be okay.
If his mother hadn't tried to control his entire life, dictating her strange directions maybe he wouldn't need a knife.
He protected his sisters and did his best to protect his friends, but when he needed protection where were any of them.
The knife slips through his cold fingers and there's a smile on his face, he knows at the end he finally wins the race.
© P.E.D
09\14\05 |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Something old |
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| 02:59am 03/05/2009 |
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I recently found some old writings I thought were lost, some of you might wish they had stayed that way but here is the first of a few. I rewrote it in 2004 and but it on a site where my name was Rogue.
I wrote this back in 1971 on the inside cover of a note book before many of you were born and most likely before some of your parents were born. Looking back at this I now realize I was screaming for help, but nobody heard me. I can look at this now and put it into perspective. I can hold the feelings in my hand and open it and let them dissipate like a handful of dust thrown into the wind. I'm a survivor I hope that you to will be survivors in this thing we call life.
rogue
To My Friends
I'm riding through the darkness listening to my engine roar, trying to escape this life that seems to be so poor. I've made my decision and you'll never understand, but if I get fat no one will ever touch me that way again.
I've smoked a lot of weed and drunk a ton of beer, but the pain always returns and so does the fear.
What if someone sees me is there a mark upon my head, does everyone that sees me know that I wish that I was dead.
There's things that I can't tell you while looking in your eyes, so I guess I'll tell you this way its better then stinking lies.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust again, and I'm not sure about love it's a word that's not my friend.
I thank god if he's out there for giving me some friends, who don't mind my silence that sometimes never seem to end.
They pull me from my darkness and make me see the light; they let me know there here if I need help in my fight.
© P.E.D
08/11/2004 |
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| And that's the way it is. |
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| 12:40am 01/05/2009 |
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mood:  crazy music: Pink-It's all your fault
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Haven't been here much lately too many people are MIA and life keeps intruding. Took mom for the MRI of her brain and spine and the arteries in her neck, test should be back in a couple of days.
Been working on the Scout II fixed the drivers side window and lock now just need to finish the dash lights and button it back up. Got the Yamaha up and running repaired the fuel pump think I’m going to just sell it cheap then I’ll start working on the Honda.
Okay that is enough for now it’s almost 1 am, I feel the need to play some Battlefield 2 Forgotten Hope before I try to sleep last night never hit the bed till 3:30 am. |
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| And your point is what |
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| 03:27pm 25/04/2009 |
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mood: Who Cares music: The Stones-Paint it black
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Well it's been a while since I wrote here, to be honest not much point in writting here anymore most of my "friends" don't have shit to say anyway.
I have to take mom in next week for a mri of the brain they want to be sure she doesn't have any tumors, she still hasn't said anything about having the open heart surgery I guess that is answer enough.
I spent most of today 4/25/09 working on the scout taking the drivers side door apart and fixing the window track and lubing all the internal parts of the cranking system,then got part of the locking system repaired but still need a new barrel to replace the old key lock.
Not much else going on just trying to hold shit together for now, making lists of everything I'll get rid of when the time comes their isn't much I really want to hang on to.
If you read the first part of this and it upsets you to bad, you bitch and moan so why shouldn't I. Oh if were IMing and you don't want to be botherd just say so please, and if something comes up just tell me you need to go for awhile. Disappering for a long period of time is just rude unless you have bowl problems.
Other then that have a wonderful day ^-^ |
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| Never lie to yourself |
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| 08:41pm 14/04/2009 |
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mood: anxious
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Well I got mom to go to the hospital today she was their about 5 hours and her breathing problems and swelling of her feet are caused by congestive heart failure. She needs open heart surgery to replace a valve but at almost 84 she really doesn't want to have surgery, while I hate the thought of losing her and being alone I have to honor the fact that it is her choice and hers alone. |
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| To The Vanishing Point |
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| 11:02pm 01/04/2009 |
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mood:  gloomy music: Twilight Zone-Golden Earring
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Well I'm going to be mia for awhile, not that I really think most will notice. I've been trying to get caught up on my real life work, between running mom to stores and doctor appointments and another root canal tomorrow for me the rest of this week is pretty busy.
Also to be honest i spend to much time trying to help others and a young friend reminded me I need to help myself every now and then. |
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| Oh shit |
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| 11:32pm 28/03/2009 |
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mood: lonely music: Pink-Sober
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Well it turns out my battery is fine but my alternator was shot, replaced it today. Of course if that was the end it wouldn't be my Scout.
Took it out tonight to see how everything worked and found a couple of my dash lights appear to be shorting out, so tomorrow I get to rip the dash apart and try to run down the bad wire.
On the plus side it was a beautiful 72 degrees here today, minus is it's going to be a bad year for allergy's. |
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| Screwed blued but not tattooed |
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| 01:12pm 26/03/2009 |
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mood:  drained
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Things with mom aren't going to great looks like she might need open heart surgery, she still is having problems with double vision so I'm still driving her everywhere she needs to go.
My sleep patterns are even worse then they were, I've been waking up at 8 and 9 am after not getting into bed much before 3 am. Yesterday had mom at the doctors at 10 am and I fell asleep in a chair and started snoring so loud the nurses had to wake me up.
Between taking mom to the doctors and the grocery store, and here and there I've been pretty busy, to top things off my one friend has just been told by his doctor he is suffering from high blood pressure and diabetes and must have open heart surgery.
I keep asking myself when things will get better, but I guess it's time to understand things won't be getting better at all. I guess I'll never find a woman to love or have a life that's worth living. But at least any and all debts to my family are paid in full. |
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| Quack quack waddle waddle. |
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| 11:37pm 15/03/2009 |
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mood: in pain music: Barry Saddler-The Green Beret
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Well this week wasn't to awful until the last two or three days ran mom around to doctors post offices and grocery stores. She is still having problems I hope it can be fixed because I hate sitting in cars waiting, but I'm glad that I can repay her for the stuff she has done for me over the years.
Been sick since Friday with ear ache and now a bum tooth, but have to get up tomorrow at around 7 am as she has a test at the doctors. Then if tooth is still hurting I'll call Tuesday because Wednesday is another doctors appointment and another test.
So another full week of little to no sleep for the weary or the wicked. |
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| Sick again |
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| 01:36am 11/03/2009 |
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mood:  good
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Well the last 12 days have just plain sucked, my mom had vertigo and couldn't drive so I've had to drive her everywhere doctor’s banks stores.
Because she would get dizzy I've been doing most of the cooking and cleaning, and for three nights she had troubles breathing so I sat up with her till 5 am and then went all day on no real sleep.
Well I took her to a emergence clinic on Sunday and they took x-rays turns out she has pneumonia, so they gave her anti-biotic but she had a reaction to it so back to the doctors today so they could change her meds.
I’m hoping at some point this week I’ll get to catch up on my sleep.
ps I got good news my monitor has been repaired and is headed home it was the power board that went south can't wait to get it back. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Their are no more tomorrows |
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| 11:21pm 01/03/2009 |
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mood: weird music: Bye, bye American Pie
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So far this year has been mainly suckage, I've had to work on my fast computer constantly and last night it finally crashed. It could be the hard drive or software have to try to run a diagnostics on the hard drive first then try software.
But to be honest I'm not sure how much it really matters anymore, so many of the people I used to talk to are gone and the people now have a different feeling about on line friendships.
More and more I think of what the seer told grandma when I was a child, that I was born a hundred years to late or a hundred years to early that I was born a restless soul. Maybe she wasn't a fake more and more I feel out of place and time, I seem to always be on the outside looking in. |
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