<=GLOBAL_HEAD FRIENDS_OPT_ITEMS=>10 Politically Incorrect And Proud Of It

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09:51am 27/02/2012

I’m sure that in some other dimension or reality in time and space I give a shit.

Tired of bullshit and liars   
10:45am 18/09/2011

I’m really sick of people and my immediate family, they justify there actions with lies and deceit. They lie and steal when just asking might get them what they want.
They treat me like shit while holding a 20 or thirty year old grudge, Then have the guts to tell me I need to forget the past and forgive.
They say they want nothing while asking to take more and more, they hide what they have stolen then let it slip and wonder why I can’t and won’t trust them.
You called our dead sister a thief after her death to justify stealing from her, but she wasn’t the thief and never was you were the thief.

I don’t wish you anything but good,  even when you said things about me that were outright lies. I had to laugh because the things you said were things you have done over and over.

I have no anger toward you I just feel sad that even now you refuse to look to yourself, and realize that you are the cause of most of your troubles. Not your mom your dad your sister or me not your friends or your x husbands the choices were and always are yours to make.

My life   
11:49am 12/07/2011
  Up with acid reflex all night till around 5:30 am, then a little sleep now a wonderful headache. I sometimes think I’m gods comic relief, whenever he gets pissed at humans he knocks me down Ho ho ho look I knock him down he gets back up, dance fat man dance ha ha ha okay that was fun guess I won’t destroy the earth today. Of course my question is what do I get out of this, the answer is nothing not even a hug. Humans suck.

Since I rarely come here anymore and since the few people I still follow here are gone or not talking ;) I'm thinking this might be all there is for now.
You all take care and I hope you find whatever it is you need in this thing called life.

Be Well and Be Safe.
Writer's Block: First and only   
04:28pm 01/05/2010
Is there a film that you think is perfect in its original form and should never be remade?
The Wild Bunch.
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Shit happens the story of my life   
11:49pm 15/02/2010
  If you could stare into the Abyss you would find me staring back at you. I'm not sure who I'm madder at myself for still being alive or those who died and left me alone  
Pretty much   
10:49am 30/01/2010

What type of Fae are you?
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My Sister   
11:25pm 24/01/2010
  To my friends and my Sister Cat's friends today a larger part of my world went dark, after losing my mom in July of 2009 today I lost my sister Cat. when my mom died a part of my soul died and with Cat's loss a part of my heart died, her pain and suffering are at an end. Be free of the chains that bind us to this earth it was my privilege to call you sister.  
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Oh no   
11:44am 04/01/2010
mood: busy
I'll be losing my net in a little while hope to have it back in a week or two, if not I'll see you in hell..
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Wut wut   
12:52pm 08/09/2009
  Things keep getting better and better NOT every time I thinks things are as bad as it can get smack in the face it gets worse WTF is up with that.  
can we say life sucks right now   
03:41pm 06/09/2009
mood: disappointed
Ever since mom died it's been one step forward 10 steps back. I keep waiting for the good to get here but it seems the universe only takes from me and mine it never returns anything that is worth what I’ve already lost. I know I can’t save my sister if she decides not to go on, I realize I may not even be able to save myself.
I’m tired and continually pushing myself to try to be their for other people is no longer an option, trying to keep this house running with little to no income is turning into a sad sick joke.
I seem to go through the motions but it feels like I’m covered in lead and just barely moving.
I’m confused and not sure what I should do it gets hard to force myself to go out, mostly I pay bills and wish I could disappear or find someplace for me somewhere at long last where I would actually feel like I belonged.
I would like to sleep for about a year or so and let myself heal, but there is to much going on for that right now hopefully I will find time later to help myself.
A dogs life   
11:05pm 26/08/2009
mood: sleepy
Well went and visited my sister Cat at the hospital today, picked up our friend Kim then drove in for an hour and a half wish it could have been longer but my meds haven't kicked in yet.
Then took Kim to bank and costco then mailed Lisa some papers she needed, dropped Kim off at her place then stopped at the bottle shop and picked up a kit car magazine.
Read for a bit then crashed for a couple of hours, then made a sandwhich for dinner with lots of ice tea watched a show then called my sister to find they didn't move her after all hurry up and wait.
So I did get somethings done today tommorow looks like it will be busy to, tired tonight but if I go to bed now I'll be up at 2:30 or 3:00 am so think I'll stay up for now till i get bored.
You’ll miss me when I’m gone   
11:07pm 17/08/2009
mood: lonely
Okay I haven’t been posting much a lot of crap has happened since mom’s death, bills pour in and have to be paid. There is very little food in the fridge right now, I’ve always hated shopping I would go with mom when I had to otherwise I avoided it like the plague.

Their have been many days I wished I could just say fuck it and jump in my scout and run away, but I know if I started running I would never stop and would fail the one person who always believed in me.

Cat is finally in a nursing home in Castro Valley and doing okay, the food isn’t to hot but it beats being in the hospital. I’ve got a mini DVD player with a built in screen so going to give that to her so she can watch some videos since she can’t get to the TV room yet, and the TV in her room only gets like three channels.
I’m hoping if she works hard on her PT, she will be back in her place in a month or two.

Lisa has gone back to Washington for now and hopefully is doing well, her stepdaughter will be having her second child in about 6 weeks and I’m looking forward to it.

As for me things aren’t to bad I think there is a part of me that will never recover from mom’s death, but there is also a part that wants to see where I go from here. My friends and my sister Cat’s friends have helped me a lot since July 10, I still feel like things are a bit out of focus and cooking for just myself isn’t any fun. Sometimes the silence is hard to take and I miss seeing her face and hearing her voice but I know in time that will fade. I haven’t been doing much other then paying bills and playing Farcry 2 and warming the cars and scout up and watching some TV which is sometimes hard as mom and I liked a lot of the same shows.
Been having some bad headaches and not sleeping more the 3 hours a night on the good nights and some angina most likely bought on by stress. But worked on my sister’s computer and got the wifi up and working now going to reload AT&T software and I’ll have finished it.

Mom told me once you’ll miss me when I’m gone and boy was she right, but I go on one day at a time in the hope that things will get better and if they don’t I guess I’ll survive. To all the other survivors out there remember one step at a time and one day at a time.
09:06am 12/08/2009
mood: determined
Been awhile since I wrote anything here things go on and I continue to survive, the house is still feeling comfortable if a bit lonely. I’ve been trying to see my sister Cat as often as I can as she is still in Washington hospital, but it’s hard since that was where mom was until we bought her home.

I now understand why one should never grow up, worrying about all the bills left behind and where the money will come from to pay them is giving me ulcers. Trying to get help from social security but no idea when or even if that will happen.

Thanks to my friends and Cat’s friends I will most likely stay sane. I’ve been trying to get out of the house for a little while every day, still haven’t done much but I’m trying to set something up.

Well I’ve picked up a cold or a flu not sure which throat is scratchy and my nose is plugged up, think I’ll go sit outside in the sun for awhile.
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Who can be your friend?   
02:05pm 08/08/2009
  What is your answer to this question?

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I miss you and love you   
12:31am 11/07/2009
mood: crushed
Today july 10 at 3:15 in the afternoon my mother died it was her 85 birthday. I was at her side until the end. I feel as if a piece of my soul was ripped from my body, besides being my mother she was my best friend. She was the light in my world the one person I could trust and depend on to be there for me. I’m not sure what the future will bring but for now my world is a darker and lonelier place then it was yesterday.

Goodbye mom your loving son.
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A moment in time   
11:34am 25/06/2009
mood: blank
Mom had a rough day yesterday she was feeling weak and of course we had to get plumber out as the drains backed up. But we stayed up and watched ice road truckers which she loves, she then slept till around 3:45 am at which point I gave her a breathing treatment. We talked and watched the sun rise and then she feel back to sleep, I never realized just how strong she is to face this with the dignity that she does.
My mom is the best and that is why I love her.
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When things end   
02:21pm 21/06/2009
  Well mom had a rough night think it was coming home and the fact people came, she is not feeling good right now and we are waiting on the traveling nurse. Things are of course rough my mom and I were together most of the time since dad died, she payed bills I kept the cars running and did the stuff on the house outside and in as I could .I drover her when she couldn't and got her walker in and out of the car for her.

This is rough on all of us but hardest I think for me, as this has been my life for a very long time. I talked to mom and told her I don't want her to suffer I don't want her to think she must struggle for us because she has always worried about us first and herself last. When she goes she should go with no regrets or worries no fear only surround by our love for her. So I struggle not to let her see how much I hurt because this sorrow is for myself and what I'm losing
Who am I   
10:23pm 19/06/2009
mood: sad
Well mom comes home tomorrow the hospice people came today and set the bed up and her other equipment. Tomorrow after she arrives home a nurse will come and evaluate mom's condition and determine how many times a week someone will come to the house. We are still looking for an in home care giver for the days the hospice people aren't here, there are of course things mom doesn't want me to have to do for her and I will admit there are things I don't want to have to do. I'm lost right now after being around someone for so long. All the nights I would wake up and open my door to be sure she was breathing, what will I do when I wake and no longer hear her?
Feeling lost and alone.   
09:04am 17/06/2009
mood: lonely
Mom has been in the hospital since the 12 of june, the doctors don't hold out any hope for her long term recovery. I'm going up this morning with my sister to talk to the hospice people about what needs to be done if and when mom comes home, its hard to think right now things seem so strange and to hear them say they will take a lean out aganst the house just pisses me off. Who are these people I know there used to be free or even low cost hospice what happened to them. Life is sucking right now.
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The strangeness of net friendships   
03:48pm 28/05/2009
mood: curious
A few years back I had been talking to a person for a few years, I considered the person a friend. We had talked about stuff going on in their life for a while, they had told me how wonderful and nice I was for caring. Then one day nothing no replies no communication at all, I waited awhile then tried contacting them the email I received back was very strange. The email said they didn't no me or anything about me basically it was a blow off. To this day that still bothers me at the time it hurt some but that is gone now, and I still wonder wtf that was about. Oh well that's part of being on the net I guess, if we weren't defective in some manner we would have better things to do with our time.
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