| Wut wut |
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| 12:52pm 08/09/2009 |
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Things keep getting better and better NOT every time I thinks things are as bad as it can get smack in the face it gets worse WTF is up with that. |
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| can we say life sucks right now |
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| 03:41pm 06/09/2009 |
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mood:  disappointed music: stuck in the middle again?
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Ever since mom died it's been one step forward 10 steps back. I keep waiting for the good to get here but it seems the universe only takes from me and mine it never returns anything that is worth what I’ve already lost. I know I can’t save my sister if she decides not to go on, I realize I may not even be able to save myself.
I’m tired and continually pushing myself to try to be their for other people is no longer an option, trying to keep this house running with little to no income is turning into a sad sick joke.
I seem to go through the motions but it feels like I’m covered in lead and just barely moving.
I’m confused and not sure what I should do it gets hard to force myself to go out, mostly I pay bills and wish I could disappear or find someplace for me somewhere at long last where I would actually feel like I belonged.
I would like to sleep for about a year or so and let myself heal, but there is to much going on for that right now hopefully I will find time later to help myself. |
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| A dogs life |
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| 11:05pm 26/08/2009 |
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mood:  sleepy music: Brittney spears oops I lost my panties again
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Well went and visited my sister Cat at the hospital today, picked up our friend Kim then drove in for an hour and a half wish it could have been longer but my meds haven't kicked in yet.
Then took Kim to bank and costco then mailed Lisa some papers she needed, dropped Kim off at her place then stopped at the bottle shop and picked up a kit car magazine.
Read for a bit then crashed for a couple of hours, then made a sandwhich for dinner with lots of ice tea watched a show then called my sister to find they didn't move her after all hurry up and wait.
So I did get somethings done today tommorow looks like it will be busy to, tired tonight but if I go to bed now I'll be up at 2:30 or 3:00 am so think I'll stay up for now till i get bored. |
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| You’ll miss me when I’m gone |
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| 11:07pm 17/08/2009 |
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mood: lonely music: The Doors- Riders on the Storm
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Okay I haven’t been posting much a lot of crap has happened since mom’s death, bills pour in and have to be paid. There is very little food in the fridge right now, I’ve always hated shopping I would go with mom when I had to otherwise I avoided it like the plague.
Their have been many days I wished I could just say fuck it and jump in my scout and run away, but I know if I started running I would never stop and would fail the one person who always believed in me.
Cat is finally in a nursing home in Castro Valley and doing okay, the food isn’t to hot but it beats being in the hospital. I’ve got a mini DVD player with a built in screen so going to give that to her so she can watch some videos since she can’t get to the TV room yet, and the TV in her room only gets like three channels.
I’m hoping if she works hard on her PT, she will be back in her place in a month or two.
Lisa has gone back to Washington for now and hopefully is doing well, her stepdaughter will be having her second child in about 6 weeks and I’m looking forward to it.
As for me things aren’t to bad I think there is a part of me that will never recover from mom’s death, but there is also a part that wants to see where I go from here. My friends and my sister Cat’s friends have helped me a lot since July 10, I still feel like things are a bit out of focus and cooking for just myself isn’t any fun. Sometimes the silence is hard to take and I miss seeing her face and hearing her voice but I know in time that will fade. I haven’t been doing much other then paying bills and playing Farcry 2 and warming the cars and scout up and watching some TV which is sometimes hard as mom and I liked a lot of the same shows.
Been having some bad headaches and not sleeping more the 3 hours a night on the good nights and some angina most likely bought on by stress. But worked on my sister’s computer and got the wifi up and working now going to reload AT&T software and I’ll have finished it.
Mom told me once you’ll miss me when I’m gone and boy was she right, but I go on one day at a time in the hope that things will get better and if they don’t I guess I’ll survive. To all the other survivors out there remember one step at a time and one day at a time. |
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| 09:06am 12/08/2009 |
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mood:  determined
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Been awhile since I wrote anything here things go on and I continue to survive, the house is still feeling comfortable if a bit lonely. I’ve been trying to see my sister Cat as often as I can as she is still in Washington hospital, but it’s hard since that was where mom was until we bought her home.
I now understand why one should never grow up, worrying about all the bills left behind and where the money will come from to pay them is giving me ulcers. Trying to get help from social security but no idea when or even if that will happen.
Thanks to my friends and Cat’s friends I will most likely stay sane. I’ve been trying to get out of the house for a little while every day, still haven’t done much but I’m trying to set something up.
Well I’ve picked up a cold or a flu not sure which throat is scratchy and my nose is plugged up, think I’ll go sit outside in the sun for awhile. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| I miss you and love you |
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| 12:31am 11/07/2009 |
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mood: crushed music: no music ever again.
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Today july 10 at 3:15 in the afternoon my mother died it was her 85 birthday. I was at her side until the end. I feel as if a piece of my soul was ripped from my body, besides being my mother she was my best friend. She was the light in my world the one person I could trust and depend on to be there for me. I’m not sure what the future will bring but for now my world is a darker and lonelier place then it was yesterday.
Goodbye mom your loving son. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| A moment in time |
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| 11:34am 25/06/2009 |
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mood:  blank
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Mom had a rough day yesterday she was feeling weak and of course we had to get plumber out as the drains backed up. But we stayed up and watched ice road truckers which she loves, she then slept till around 3:45 am at which point I gave her a breathing treatment. We talked and watched the sun rise and then she feel back to sleep, I never realized just how strong she is to face this with the dignity that she does.
My mom is the best and that is why I love her. |
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| When things end |
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| 02:21pm 21/06/2009 |
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Well mom had a rough night think it was coming home and the fact people came, she is not feeling good right now and we are waiting on the traveling nurse. Things are of course rough my mom and I were together most of the time since dad died, she payed bills I kept the cars running and did the stuff on the house outside and in as I could .I drover her when she couldn't and got her walker in and out of the car for her.
This is rough on all of us but hardest I think for me, as this has been my life for a very long time. I talked to mom and told her I don't want her to suffer I don't want her to think she must struggle for us because she has always worried about us first and herself last. When she goes she should go with no regrets or worries no fear only surround by our love for her. So I struggle not to let her see how much I hurt because this sorrow is for myself and what I'm losing |
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| Who am I |
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| 10:23pm 19/06/2009 |
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mood: sad
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Well mom comes home tomorrow the hospice people came today and set the bed up and her other equipment. Tomorrow after she arrives home a nurse will come and evaluate mom's condition and determine how many times a week someone will come to the house. We are still looking for an in home care giver for the days the hospice people aren't here, there are of course things mom doesn't want me to have to do for her and I will admit there are things I don't want to have to do. I'm lost right now after being around someone for so long. All the nights I would wake up and open my door to be sure she was breathing, what will I do when I wake and no longer hear her? |
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| Feeling lost and alone. |
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| 09:04am 17/06/2009 |
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mood: lonely
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Mom has been in the hospital since the 12 of june, the doctors don't hold out any hope for her long term recovery. I'm going up this morning with my sister to talk to the hospice people about what needs to be done if and when mom comes home, its hard to think right now things seem so strange and to hear them say they will take a lean out aganst the house just pisses me off. Who are these people I know there used to be free or even low cost hospice what happened to them. Life is sucking right now. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| The strangeness of net friendships |
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| 03:48pm 28/05/2009 |
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mood:  curious music: none
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A few years back I had been talking to a person for a few years, I considered the person a friend. We had talked about stuff going on in their life for a while, they had told me how wonderful and nice I was for caring. Then one day nothing no replies no communication at all, I waited awhile then tried contacting them the email I received back was very strange. The email said they didn't no me or anything about me basically it was a blow off. To this day that still bothers me at the time it hurt some but that is gone now, and I still wonder wtf that was about. Oh well that's part of being on the net I guess, if we weren't defective in some manner we would have better things to do with our time. |
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| You could be wrong |
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| 10:05pm 27/05/2009 |
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mood:  anxious music: Garth Brooks-The Dance
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Things are heading toward an ending and I wont lie and tell you I'm not a bit afraid, but I think I've made my choice. It isn't a choice most would make but then I've never been most people, 6 months should tell the tail after that I'm not sure of anything. |
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| somewhere under the yellow brick road. |
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| 11:32pm 26/05/2009 |
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mood: sad music: Pink-Glitter
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Things aren't going great with my mom doctors today doctors tomorrow and take her to see surgeon on thursday. Been trying to deal with everything but it's getting harder, but I can and will do what needs to be done.
I await the day I can go into the Sierra's and never have to come out again. |
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| Why |
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| 09:52pm 21/05/2009 |
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mood:  sore
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Some days life isn't worth the cost, I'm tired and depressed. I need to go some where but have no where to go. In the end all you have is a handful of dust which is all that's left of your dreams. |
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| Stories From The Dungeon |
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| 02:19pm 03/05/2009 |
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mood: curious music: Dust in the Wind-Kansas
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The Race
Sitting in a corner a knife hangs loosely from his hand, his chest is covered with cuts and blood drips down his hands.
He doesn't utter a cry nor does he shed a tear, his heartbeat is slowing and he knows death is near.
He wonders how his life could have been if things had gone another way, if once he had heard his father say I love you it will be okay.
If his mother hadn't tried to control his entire life, dictating her strange directions maybe he wouldn't need a knife.
He protected his sisters and did his best to protect his friends, but when he needed protection where were any of them.
The knife slips through his cold fingers and there's a smile on his face, he knows at the end he finally wins the race.
© P.E.D
09\14\05 |
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| Something old |
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| 02:59am 03/05/2009 |
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I recently found some old writings I thought were lost, some of you might wish they had stayed that way but here is the first of a few. I rewrote it in 2004 and but it on a site where my name was Rogue.
I wrote this back in 1971 on the inside cover of a note book before many of you were born and most likely before some of your parents were born. Looking back at this I now realize I was screaming for help, but nobody heard me. I can look at this now and put it into perspective. I can hold the feelings in my hand and open it and let them dissipate like a handful of dust thrown into the wind. I'm a survivor I hope that you to will be survivors in this thing we call life.
rogue
To My Friends
I'm riding through the darkness listening to my engine roar, trying to escape this life that seems to be so poor. I've made my decision and you'll never understand, but if I get fat no one will ever touch me that way again.
I've smoked a lot of weed and drunk a ton of beer, but the pain always returns and so does the fear.
What if someone sees me is there a mark upon my head, does everyone that sees me know that I wish that I was dead.
There's things that I can't tell you while looking in your eyes, so I guess I'll tell you this way its better then stinking lies.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust again, and I'm not sure about love it's a word that's not my friend.
I thank god if he's out there for giving me some friends, who don't mind my silence that sometimes never seem to end.
They pull me from my darkness and make me see the light; they let me know there here if I need help in my fight.
© P.E.D
08/11/2004 |
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| And that's the way it is. |
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| 12:40am 01/05/2009 |
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mood:  crazy music: Pink-It's all your fault
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Haven't been here much lately too many people are MIA and life keeps intruding. Took mom for the MRI of her brain and spine and the arteries in her neck, test should be back in a couple of days.
Been working on the Scout II fixed the drivers side window and lock now just need to finish the dash lights and button it back up. Got the Yamaha up and running repaired the fuel pump think I’m going to just sell it cheap then I’ll start working on the Honda.
Okay that is enough for now it’s almost 1 am, I feel the need to play some Battlefield 2 Forgotten Hope before I try to sleep last night never hit the bed till 3:30 am. |
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| And your point is what |
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| 03:27pm 25/04/2009 |
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mood: Who Cares music: The Stones-Paint it black
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Well it's been a while since I wrote here, to be honest not much point in writting here anymore most of my "friends" don't have shit to say anyway.
I have to take mom in next week for a mri of the brain they want to be sure she doesn't have any tumors, she still hasn't said anything about having the open heart surgery I guess that is answer enough.
I spent most of today 4/25/09 working on the scout taking the drivers side door apart and fixing the window track and lubing all the internal parts of the cranking system,then got part of the locking system repaired but still need a new barrel to replace the old key lock.
Not much else going on just trying to hold shit together for now, making lists of everything I'll get rid of when the time comes their isn't much I really want to hang on to.
If you read the first part of this and it upsets you to bad, you bitch and moan so why shouldn't I. Oh if were IMing and you don't want to be botherd just say so please, and if something comes up just tell me you need to go for awhile. Disappering for a long period of time is just rude unless you have bowl problems.
Other then that have a wonderful day ^-^ |
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| Never lie to yourself |
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| 08:41pm 14/04/2009 |
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mood: anxious
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Well I got mom to go to the hospital today she was their about 5 hours and her breathing problems and swelling of her feet are caused by congestive heart failure. She needs open heart surgery to replace a valve but at almost 84 she really doesn't want to have surgery, while I hate the thought of losing her and being alone I have to honor the fact that it is her choice and hers alone. |
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